Two crazy dudes

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We hadn’t seen with Kirszniok in years, but I organized a reunion of the old team. He came, we talked, we played — the usual after-years conversations: what’s new, what are you doing, what are you playing. And somewhere along the way the obligatory “What are you currently playing?” appears, and he waves his hand — everything, too many games to count. I smile and say 'same here’, that I’m insane, that I have so many miniature wargames even a dozen players couldn’t get through them, and he laughs that he has more. I say I’m serious, I buy this stuff like an idiot, every new game and I immediately dive in headfirst, and he replies that so much is coming out now it’s hard to resist and he’s exactly the same.

The event ends, we say goodbye — but the testosterone is already boiling inside me, the question starts running around in my head and absolutely refuses to calm down: How many wargames does he have? What does he mean he can’t resist? Does he have more than me? Is he an even bigger lunatic? I won’t fall asleep unless I find out.

Eventually I do fall asleep. Then, I invent a game.

Next day I write to Kirszniok on Messenger that no, we are not leaving this hanging in the air and not finding out who the bigger lunatic is. Here are the rules:

You name a miniature wargame you own. Owning the game means either the rulebook or the miniatures — proof you invested money to play it. For owning a game you get 1 Victory Point. If you have painted miniatures, that means you invested not only money but time — then you get 3 VP. And if for a given game you have more than one army of models because you love it so much you own multiple forces — an additional point. Ready to play? Then we fight.

I tell him that I own Warhammer Battle and a painted Dwarf army for it. I don’t go into details that I own four rulebooks from four consecutive editions, that I’ve been playing it since 1994, that I once also had a Wood Elf army, that I have a half-collected Tomb Kings army, I don’t mention any of that — I just smash straight to the head: Warhammer Battle: Dwarfs — 3 VP.

Kirszniok swings back with a cleaver and replies he also has Warhammer Battle, also Dwarfs, also painted, and he also has a Beastmen army. Score 4:3 for him. I smile. This will be an epic duel.

I throw my biggest joy of the last few years at him — for Blood Bowl I have painted Dwarfs, painted Undead, and recently purchased Halflings. Strong 4 points and it’s 7:4 for me. Kirszniok replies the next day. He also has Blood Bowl, also painted armies and also more than one — Humans, Orcs and Skaven. 8:7 for him.

I continue along the Games Workshop trail, though here I’m a bit ashamed, because here it’s gray plastic, unpainted, somehow there was never time — Warhammer 40K and a slightly paint-smeared Orc army and a completely gray, barely assembled Sisters of Battle army. Miserable 2 VP, 9:8 for me, but I already know he’ll counter. And indeed he does, pulling from GW’s catalogue Necromunda and two painted gangs — Goliath and Ash Waste Nomads. 12:9 for him, and I curse myself — I played Necromunda in college, I had my own gang, and later when we were designing Neuroshima Tactics at Portal Games I used those models in testing, somewhere they got lost, scattered, damn it, I may lose to Kirszniok because of that!

The score looks bad so I attack for 4 points — I have Kill Team, a painted Orc army and an almost painted Death Guard army. It’s a great game, fast, intense, compact, even my wife Merry tolerates it and sometimes plays with me! I don’t mention I also have two extra starter sets each with two additional armies, I don’t boast that I actually have six armies, not two, because after all I created the rules myself — 4 VP is the maximum you can get. So it’s 13:12 for me, but Kirszniok answers with the same set — he also has Orcs and Death Guard for Kill Team, but fortunately, he hasn’t painted them yet. He therefore only pulls 2 VP. 14:13 for him.

I look at the shelf…

There’s one more Games Workshop game there — Legion Imperialis. A new edition of the old cult game Warhammer 40K Epic. A game with 6 mm miniatures allowing epiiiiiic battles with seas of tanks, thousands of infantry soldiers, swarms of troops. Unfortunately, I haven’t painted the swarm yet. Barely 1 point. I tie it 14:14, and he also pulls out a cult classic from Games Workshop — a painted Dwarf fleet for Man O’War, an ancient naval battle game in the Warhammer world. I always wanted to play it, but back then in college, I couldn’t afford it. I had a budget for one Warhammer Battle and a few Necromunda models and that was all a man could afford. Anyway, 17:14 for Kirszniok. I leave the Games Workshop stable. Time for other publishers.

I strike hard — Flames of War gives me a strong 3 points, my obsession of recent months, over 30 games played, a large fully painted American army, huge terrain, mat, dedicated tokens, dice, rulebooks — I love it. Kirszniok still in the GW stable responds with a titan combat game — Adeptus Titanicus. Fortunately, he hasn’t painted it yet, so only 1 VP. 18:17 for him.

I smell a chance and throw in the second wargame I’ve played most in recent years — Frostgrave. I have a painted Dwarf warband and a painted Goblin warband, that’s a juicy 4 VP, and I don’t even mention I built insane terrain, that I have the core rulebook and five expansions, that I printed and sleeved all the spells. I do not hesitate, however, to boast that it’s a game I play with my wife. I’m extremely proud of my wife. 21:18 for me. That was a heavy hit.

Meanwhile Kirszniok with a grin equalizes — he also has a Legion Imperialis army, but unlike me he painted his. He collects 3 points, and I conclude that instead of playtesting Detective I should’ve been painting miniatures, maybe I wouldn’t be taking such a beating.

Alright, a tie isn’t a beating yet. I look at the shelf and pull another gem I fell in love with months ago — Rangers of Shadow Deep. The game itself may not be the best wargame in the world, but I bought Lord of the Rings models for it, painted the entire Fellowship, built beautiful terrain and I’m playing a mini-campaign I designed myself, set in Rohan. I have a miniature of beloved Éowyn and it’s awesome. Aragorn and Éowyn put me ahead 24 to 21.

Kirszniok leaves the GW stable and boasts a beautifully painted Russian army for Bolt Action. Tie again. Hearing “Russians” and “Bolt Action” I instinctively answer — I also have Bolt Action and Americans. But in fact I only have the rulebook and the miniatures as STL files to print, I haven’t even printed them yet, not to mention painting. Barely 1 VP. But I’m ahead, 25:24. Meanwhile, Kirszniok rolls in with tanks — Achtung Panzer, a game using Bolt Action models but focused solely on tank duels. Anyone who played World of Tanks gets the idea. 27:25 for him.

This is insane. The Messenger duel has lasted over two weeks already, every day, sometimes with a day or two break we throw collections at each other and there’s no end in sight. A madman met a madman.

I dust off an old unused box — a Cryx army for Warmachine. I haven’t played in a decade, but fortunately, everything is beautifully painted so 3 points are deserved as a dog gets a bone. Kirszniok isn’t discouraged and answers with a painted fleet for the beautiful, absolutely crazy game Black Sails — sails, cannons, gunpowder, naval battles, boarding actions and pirates… alright, 30:28 for him. You can’t break this man. I have to exhaust him, defeat him with higher stamina.

From the shelf, I pull a starter for 02 Hundred Hours. Miniatures not assembled, tokens not punched, rulebook not even flipped through. But this is war; every point counts. So I get 1 VP for a game I bought months ago and never unpacked. Kirszniok sees this is the stage where you rest, we pretend to play, but this is like the 40th minute of the first half, everybody tired already. He presents a Bauhaus army for Warzone, but unpainted, lying dusty in a box for years. 31 to 29 for him. He holds the lead.

So I counterattack with Zona Alfa, a post-apo game in the Roadside Picnic vibe — a mysterious closed zone, strange artifacts, all in a Soviet sauce. I have the rulebook, a painted warband, awesome terrain — strong 3 points. In hindsight I know I should’ve added bonus points for dedicated terrain, I would’ve gained something, but it’s too late to change rules. After many days of the duel I finally take the lead again. 32:31.

The man is playing dirty—honestly, he’s kicking me where it hurts. He pulls out Test of Honor, which transports us straight to feudal Japan. Kirszniok hurls two samurai clans and a fully painted terrain set at me. He’s been holding an ace up his sleeve, and it’s a gorgeous one. The minis are insane, the vibe is brilliant, and the game itself is simple yet engaging. 36 to 35 for him.

I’m running on fumes. We’ve been duking it out on FB Messenger for a month now. I grab Five Parsecs From Home off the shelf—a mind-blowing sci-fi game where you lead a crew of armed rogues, hopping from planet to planet taking on tactical missions. The game spends as much time on the tabletop skirmishes as it does on the „bookkeeping” between missions: managing paydays, leveling up the crew, and rolling for random encounters. It’s a thick manual full of a million tables detailing every mishap your team might face. I’ve never actually played it, and I don’t own any minis for it, but in a fit of desperation, I pelt Kirszniok with it for 1 Victory Point (VP).

He counters with his last bit of strength for 1 VP with Muskets & Tomahawks. It’s similar to Silver Bayonet but set on the US-Canada frontier in the 18th century. Classy stuff. 37 to 36 for him.

I look under my desk and spot a pile of plastic—some guy was offloading an entire army, and I snatched it up for a bargain. I’ve played it twice. Seems like a fair 1 VP to me. Those eight hundred Polish zlotys were well spent. The game in question is A Song of Ice & Fire, specifically my Night’s Watch army. I have a mountain of it. I don’t even know why, because I don’t actually like the game. I also have a Stark army, though it’s incomplete. I’ll take that 1 VP and move on quickly before I embarrass myself. Luckily, the rules didn’t say you could only score points for games you actually enjoy. 37 to 37.

Kirszniok is crawling now. I feel it. He admits he owns the Rangers of Shadow Deep manual but has no minis. He takes 1 VP and doesn’t push it. 38 to 37. This is a mud fight—a brutal slugfest where the winner is whoever stays upright the longest.

I call in the heavy hitters: By Fire and Sword. I backed the two-player starter set on a crowdfunding two years ago. It sits proudly on my shelf—unbuilt, unpainted, unplayed. I know it’s a brilliant game. I know it has innovative mechanics, beautiful models, and a stunning historical setting. Plus, it’s Polish design, homegrown, the best… but you just can’t play everything! I take 1 VP and swear to myself that I’ll at least glue the damn things together.

Then Kirszniok draws a dagger and stabs me in the back. The dagger is called Dead Man’s Hand, a Western wargame. The man has two armies, a badass terrain setup, raves about how great the game is, and brutally sweeps up 4 points. I’m bleeding out. I drop to my knees. 42 to 38. I think I’m not making it out of this trench alive.

But I’m still swinging. To survive, I must use dirty tricks.

Neuroshima Tactics, published by Portal Games. F%ck yeah. I have the manual and an Outpost army. It’s painted because I was painting it for social media while testing the campaign rules. „3 points in your face,” I wheeze under my breath, but I’m still losing. 42 to 41.

He refuses to go down; he’s still got me by the throat. His response is Saga—a game I’ve wanted to play for ages. It’s fantasy skirmish, smaller teams, fewer minis. He has a painted army. He strikes right where the dagger went in. I double over in pain. 45 to 41 for him. I know I don’t have much left, and I know he’s running dry too. We’re nearing the end. Just endure. Just stay standing.

I strike back with everything I’ve got: The Great War. WWI, a mega-cool game based on the Flames of War engine. I have a fully painted German army, two awesome tanks, a sniper, two infantry squads, some MGs—it looks stunning on the table. And, of course, I have a custom-built trench board. Three points. 45 to 44. I’m still in this.

I can feel Kirszniok choking me, but I can feel him weakening too. He attacks with Sharp Practice—another wargame from the visually stunning 19th century. But his army isn’t painted. Only 1 VP. 46 to 44. I still refuse to surrender.

The Doomed is a fantasy skirmish game where players duke it out with one twist: there’s a third party on the field—a giant, terrifying, powerful monster. The manual contains over 100 pages of rules for creating insane monsters to rampaging across the board. Brilliant game. Never played it. No minis. But I have the book. That 40 Euro I spent a few months ago gives me a much-needed 1 VP. Kirszniok leads by one: 46 to 45.

He won’t quit. He just won’t. Just like me, he just throws a book at my head. No models, hasn’t played, but he has the manual: Burrow & Badgers, about anthropomorphic animals. 47 to 45.

We’re in stoppage time now. Both teams are stumbling. Kirszniok has retreated into his own penalty box, desperately defending his lead. I charge. This is the last moment. This is no time for an honorable fight.

Full Thrust—a brilliant space combat game published by my very own company – Portal Games back in 2002. „Just so you know, I really do have the rulebook!” I text Kirszniok. Of course I do—I have every book Portal ever published. No minis. Haven’t played it in years. But who cares now? It’s the 93rd minute, the score is 47 to 46. Will he finally buckle?!

No. The man won’t fall. He pulls a Warmaster book out of his closet. An old Games Workshop classic. I remember its launch well because it was the year I founded Portal Games and we wrote about it—1999, a piece of history. I’ve always wanted to play it. It’s like Epic 40k but for fantasy. You have swarms of micro-minis; the battles look like something out of Lord of the Rings with hundreds of tiny soldiers on the table. The reviews were always glowing. Well, I’ll have to play it with Kirszniok eventually. For now, I give him the point. 48 to 46. What is even happening?! What the hell?!

I’m pulling out such obscurities now that I’m actually ashamed, but what choice do I have? I didn’t expect it to go on this long! I throw a PDF at him. Pathetic, I know. But on the other hand, per the rules of the game, I have the rulebook, I paid for it fairly, and it’s not my fault a print version never came out. The game is called Torch & Shield. I spent half a day scouring my hard drive just to find that freakin’ file and confirm I actually own it to claim that point. If my wife Merry knew what I was wasting my time on, she’d kill me. Not Kirszniok, not cardiovascular disease—Merry. And no, I have no idea what kind of game it is. It was on Kickstarter, I backed it, and I’ve never even opened the PDF. I don’t care. I get my point. 48 to 47. Will this guy ever give up?!

„Rebels and Patriots,” he texts me. „Only the rulebook. 1 point. And that’s it for me. 49 to 47.”

I lunge at my bookshelf. Five Leagues From The Borderlands—a fantasy variant of the previously mentioned Five Parsecs. Another adventure wargame with crew progression. 49 to 48. I send him a photo of the book. Never played it. I heard it’s great, though.

„Got anything else?” he asks.

I do. And believe it or not—I still can’t believe it myself, but I swear on every oath possible—I have one last book: Trench Crusade. I even have a New Antioch army for it, but it’s unpainted, so only 1 Victory Point.

Final score 49 to 49.

UN-BE-LIEVABLE. We actually fought to a draw.

Regards from the madman from Zabrze and the madman from Gliwice. We both need a good doctor.

P.S. Yes, since the duel described in this article happened, I’ve already bought a few more miniature games. But believe me, Deth Wizards looked so damn good…

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